The Nigerian Woman’s Guide to Preventing Assault

Don’t go out. Spend your days at home, with family.

Go out because like charity, assault begins at home.

Wear jeans. It will make it hard for anyone to get through.

Don’t wear jeans, it’ll outline your figure.

Wear a skirt. The long and free ones that hide your figure. Cover up your upper body in turtlenecks and thick shirts. Hide your arms in sleeves.

Don’t do that. It’ll make them wonder what’s underneath.

Wear a dress. Make sure it is not too short or revealing or it’ll draw attention.

Don’t wear dresses. They are easy to take off. It’ll make people want to stick their hands up your dress.

Take a bus when you go out. Make sure you’re not the only woman in the bus and there are at least three other women. Wait till the buses are almost full before you enter. There will be more people and it’s harder to get assaulted in a crowd.

Don’t take a bus. The man behind you will constantly graze your bum with his knee. The man next to you will intentionally rest against your breasts and feign ignorance. You will be touched inappropriately and you will struggle to protect your space, but what is personal space in public transportation?

Take a cab — an uber or taxify. It’s safer and more convenient

Don’t take cabs alone. Sit in front so the driver doesn’t feel insulted and calls you an ashewo. Or maybe you should sit at the back so the driver doesn’t reach over to rub your thighs or grab your breasts.

Just buy your own car.

Or maybe not. Women alone in cars are easy targets.

Go everywhere with a pen knife or pepper spray.

Don’t. Because when you attack the person assaulting, you’re the one that will end up in jail.

When they refuse to stop talking to you, tell them you’re not interested in men.

Don’t tell them that. They will touch you and ask you to prove it. They will show you the penises you’re missing.

Tell them you’re pregnant or you’re treating an STI

Don’t tell them you’re pregnant because they’ll say the sex is sweeter and if it’s an STI, something must kill a man.

Go out with your girls. It’s harder to pick on a group.

No, go out with guys. Group of girls are easy targets, you’re definitely safer with guys.

Don’t go out with guys, it means you want to fuck them all you slut. Don’t you have female friends?

Don’t order alcohol, order water instead, it’s safe and easier to notice when things change.

Don’t leave the table, don’t look away. In fact, forget food and drinks and just have a conversation.

Don’t meet up physically. Just call him

Don’t call him. Your voice makes you hard to resist.

Text him instead.

Don’t text him. Can’t you see how suggestive your messages to him are? You’re shooting a shot. You definitely want to have sex. See how you’re leading him on.

Don’t go over to his, or ask him to come over. You’re giving consent. It has to be open, outside, where everyone can see you both.

But not really, because he will start making you uncomfortable and people will look away.

Go to a party instead, perhaps a club, where there are people in proximity.

Don’t go to a party or a club. He will pin you down in a corner and people will think you’re having the time of your life.

Let him pay the bill.

Don’t let him pay the bill. If he pays, that’s consent.

Pay for your own food.

Don’t pay for your own food. You’ll come off as too independent and he’ll want to show you why women need men.

Look good, look your best, men will respect you more.

Don’t look good, look your worst, it’s less attention. But still enough attention to get you assaulted. It doesn’t matter what you look like.

Don’t get into his car. You’re consenting. Walk with him instead.

Don’t walk with him, you’re still consenting.

Walk alone.

Don’t walk alone. You’ll be vulnerable.

Run.

But not too fast. The way your body moves will attract attention. But you can’t move slow either, you’re putting on a show for them with your pace. Find a balance.

Don’t hug him, don’t let him hold your hand, you need to maintain space between the both of you.

You know he can’t control himself and his penis has a mind of its own. Can you give his penis enough room to behave itself?

Love him instead. Love is kind and considerate. Love is safe. Love protects.

Don’t love him because as he rapes you and you beg him to stop, he will tell you he’s doing this because he loves you. When he hits you, he’s correcting you out of love. Don’t we use one hand to hit the child and we use the other to draw the child back into love at the same time? It’s still love.

Go to church. Nothing bad happens in the house of the Lord.

Don’t go to church. They’ll have you bent over at the altar, before the cross begging God to make it stop. They’ll have you hug your rapist and tell him you’ve forgiven him. After all, he’s your brother in Christ. This is what Christ demands of you.

Go to the police. Let the law handle these things.

Don’t go to the police because you be ashawo. No be you carry your yansh give am? E never do you? You wan make we give you another round?

Talk about it. Make threads on social media. It’d help people understand why this should stop happening, how to address and end this problem.

Don’t talk about it, no one will believe you. Don’t make threads, it’ll become a battle of who knows more words, who wins best intellectual, highest likes and retweets, so don’t. They will look for holes. They will tear it apart until there’s nothing left. They will call you a liar and an attention seeker. They will make memes and kiki with your rapist. Life will go on.

Go home, back to family. There’s no safer place than home. Family is all we have.

Don’t go home. Didn’t they warn you? Wasn’t it your father, cousin, uncle? Wasn’t it family that didn’t believe?

Leave home. Make your own.

But why are you living alone? You’re clearly asking to be assaulted.

Get married and move to your husband’s house. What harm can come to you in your husband’s house?

No, don’t get married. Your husband can be the harm and in marriage, how dare you say no? Marriage imports 24/7 consent.

So don’t grow up, remain a child or a baby.

Grow up, because it doesn’t matter how old you are. As long as you have a vagina, fully formed or not, you can be raped.

Be a man. It’s always safer for men.

Don’t be a man, because though your chances of being assaulted are less, there’s still a possibility. And it’ll be even harder to speak out or deal with because you’re a man and these things can’t happen to men.

Die, because clearly that’s the only way to solve this.

Unless your morgue attendant loves having sex with dead women so even in death, you will still be violated.

It’s not you. It has never been you. It’s not what you’re doing or not doing. It has never been your responsibility to prevent being assaulted.

Except you (father, mother, brother, sister, lover, wife, husband, teacher, uncle, aunt, pastor, priest, imam, friend, stranger, teacher, you) are the rapist, abuser, assaulter, perpetrator or apologist, then it’s you, it’s what you’re doing. You’re how not to get assaulted.